Silent Angel

Today is a day to reflect on how much our Father in Heaven knows and how little I know. Twenty four years ago today, I held a silent angel in my arms and with my heart full of questions, I put my trust in the arm of the Lord. As I held a perfect little body, sleeping in my arms and marveled that all he had to do was open his eyes and breath for me, I was full of fear and sadness, but strengthened by the power of the priesthood. I wanted my baby to be with me, but I knew that he was in a far happier place and with our Savior.
As I began the grieving process, I thought I would never feel happy again. I didn't want to feel shock, anger, despair and finally reorganization. I studied all the steps and dreaded all but the last when I would be 'normal', but I soon realized that I would never be innocent eyed again. I also realized that I had a choice to make. Better or Bitter. I choose better, I just hope I am succeeding.
This morning, I got an email from my best friend. Which brought warm tender feelings.....I was crying as the first graders marched in (will they use it against me?). I also walked into my bedroom after work and was startled by a vibrant beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers sitting on my nightstand. It has made me feel very tender. As I was driving to get Carter and listening to some inspirational music, I felt the tears coming. Why? I have been fine for years. I started to realize that although my little one was in a celestial place, he hasn't been with me. I haven't been blessed with his personality the way I have with his siblings. I don't know if he is a natural leader, a server of his mankind, a musician. Is he gregarious and outgoing, or shy and quiet? I have felt his presence from time to time and know he is a valiant spirit. I look forward to my time with him.
I listened to the Tabernacle Choir sing, " He lives and I shall conquer death." I already knew that. Thank you for your thoughts for me today. It has been a great day.